Just me and my thoughts; fear

Something doesn’t feel right. Something hasn’t felt right since my surgery. Doctors made it seem like everything would be back to normal by now, that is just one thing out of the many that scare me.

The scar isn’t gone, definitely looks better than it started, but even that is iffy. Are scars supposed to bulge up at parts and almost look gone at others? Hard to say, I’ve never had a scar before.

The pain isn’t gone either. Sometimes it pulses with pain, sometimes it’s just one spot, sometimes it’s only when I’m doing particular movements, and other times it just simply hurts. Always starting off with a tingle of uncomfort, and then sometimes getting so bad that I fall and hold myself, and my breathe, until it’s passed. Maybe it’s in my head. Maybe I’m imagining the pain BECAUSE I’m scared. Maybe it isn’t really bad at all. Or maybe it is. As it’s said in The Fault in Our Stars, “pain demands to be felt” I now know that’s true, and I now it can be felt imagined or not.

This fear of pain brings up another fear, which is a question as well, perhaps it’s why I’m writing this in the first place. Do I tell someone? Do I bring up this fear without a joke behind it for once? What if there’s nothing wrong though? I don’t want to be a crazy fool who spent her parents money unnecessarily and I certainly don’t want to know I’m right! I know I didn’t have cancer, but it runs in my family. I had the tumor removed so it couldn’t become cancer, how do I know it’s not coming back all over, the way I feel it is, and how do I know that I’m not making this up just because Augustus Waters died of the same problem in The Fault in Our Stars?! I can still recall the doctors telling me there was something surprising about my tumor, other than its massive size, and thinking “will this someday be the death of me?” “Cancer always comes back”. But I didn’t have cancer.

My memory is getting worse too. I now stop in the middle of sentences and forget what I was trying to say. Simple things people ask me to repeat are forever lost as soon as they are finished being spoken. My boss thinks I’m a liar and a part of me knows that it’s not just because she’s a bitch who refuses to listen, it’s because I can’t remember sentences I’ve just read, making it seem like I haven’t read them at all. Even my English is being forgotten. My words slur and I simply sound like an idiot at times. I’m afraid, and I know that will be the last thing forgotten, which scares me even more. I understand Hazel Graze’s explanation of being a grenade. I feel like her at times, both psychically and emotionally, but is it just sympathy pains? I can’t remember, which came first? The book, or the pain.

Death alone does not scare me surprisingly. It’s the pain that does. The pain that is both caused and received. This is apart of life though. We must embrace it, ignore it, or let it defeat us. For this fear I shall do both solution one and two. The third has kicked my ass enough with the other fears as weapons.

If I am to die young then so be it. I have lived almost 19 years which is more then a lot can say. I haven’t crossed everything off my bucket list, but who has? For the most part I have enjoyed the life I’ve lived with a mostly loving family, terrific friends, and beloved boyfriend. At this moment I am happy, and if I must go then I must, for I do believe in fate with the illusion of choice and I do believe I would join god in heaven until I choose to reincarnate myself and begin anew, but then again one must remember, choice is an illusion.

So much stress over the years has put its toll on me and although I realize I am only 18 and others will look down on me for saying what I am, I shall say it anyways; My soul has been old from the start. If you look down on me then it’s time to look away. I’ve been through more than most, even if no one believes me. Just because all of my life’s events have not been spread to every hear, every social media account, etc. DOES NOT mean such events have not happened. In my life people will be told what I think they need to hear, not everything I have to say.

I am a loving, loyal, honest person who seeks safe adventures and only slight approval from others, without letting anyone/thing, but her fears, control her. I only tell you this because this is what I wish the world to think of me. Wether I’m dead, alive, or somewhere in between, this is the extent of what I will ask of a stranger.

Another fear of mine is to be pitied or thought of as a fool or worse. For this fear I have created a new solution however, a fourth option. In stead of embracing, ignoring, of being defeated by this fear, I have chosen to fight it. I now realize that perhaps that should be the only solution to your fears. Fight them. For it is like the Doctor from Doctor Who says, “Even nightmares have nightmares” and I will be their very worst.

Thank you tumblr for reminding me that I am a fighter, one that will not be messed with. I must also be brave and hopeful now. Hopefully I will have many more years to discover my many traits, and if I don’t, then I am grateful for the ones and the life I have now. Thank you.

The last thank you is universal. It goes to those who have read and think of me in the way I demand to be thought of, to my parents, friends, boyfriend, to social media, bloggers, God, authors and screenwriters, simply everyone and thing that has effected my life positively.

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union